Malihini Monthly

A sarcastic monthly for the recently arrived.

The Archive

Every tip, every issue, since the beginning. Go back and read what you missed — or confirm what you already suspected about yourself.

May 2026

The Roads Will Teach You Patience

On driving as a cultural test, the shaka wave economy, and why your horn is a weapon you should holster.

  1. 356 The Raptors
  2. 65 45 Means 38

April 2026

Terrain of Terror: The Ocean

An indifferent, occasionally homicidal body of water you flew six hours to meet.

  1. 48 The Monk Seal Perimeter
  2. 49 Reef-Safe Is a Marketing Term
  3. 50 Don't Touch the Coral
  4. 51 Rip Currents Don't Negotiate
  5. 52 Sandy Beach Is Not for Swimming
  6. 53 Portuguese Man o' War
  7. 54 Sharks: The Real Math
  8. 55 Feeding Reef Fish Is Not Cute
  9. 56 Pipeline Is Not a Tourist Break
  10. 57 Pupukea Is Also Not
  11. 58 Sunset Beach Is Named for a Reason
  12. 59 The Whistle Means Out
  13. 60 Never Turn Your Back on the Waves
  14. 61 The Bodyboard Will Teach You Humility
  15. 62 Sunset Cruises Are Just Boats
  16. 63 Freshwater Runoff After Rain
  17. 64 The Ocean Has No Deadline

March 2026

Pidgin Is A Language (You Are Not Speaking)

A full language with rules, speakers, and zero interest in your impression.

  1. 35 Howzit, But Not From You
  2. 36 Choke Means A Lot
  3. 37 Try Wait
  4. 38 No Can Means No Can
  5. 39 Shoots
  6. 40 Bumbye
  7. 41 Cuz, With Affection
  8. 42 Talk Stink
  9. 43 Aunty And Uncle Are Honorifics
  10. 44 Brah, Sistah
  11. 45 ʻAss Why
  12. 46 No Make A
  13. 47 The Best Pidgin From You Is Silence
  14. 354 The Chin Raise

February 2026

The Words You're Using Wrong

Aloha is not a vibe you can license.

  1. 20 Aloha Is Not A Greeting
  2. 21 Mahalo Is Not A Trash Can
  3. 22 Pau Hana Is A Time, Not A Brand
  4. 23 The Shaka, Held Correctly
  5. 24 Keiki Means Child
  6. 25 ʻĀina Is The Land
  7. 26 Malihini Means You
  8. 27 Haole, Handle With Care
  9. 28 Kahuna Is Not Your Nickname
  10. 29 Mana Is Not A Vibe
  11. 30 ʻAuwē, The All-Purpose Sigh
  12. 31 Not Everything Is A Luau
  13. 32 Talk Story Is The Whole Economy
  14. 33 Mele Is Song, Hula Is Dance
  15. 34 When In Doubt, Fewer Words
  16. 358 Shi-Shi
  17. 359 Chee Hoo!
  18. 360 They Are Slippers

January 2026

Pronunciation Purgatory

Every vowel is a small public failure, and that's the point.

  1. 1 Every Vowel, Every Time
  2. 2 Hawaiʻi Has A Pause In It
  3. 3 Humuhumunukunukuapuaʻa
  4. 4 Haleakalā Is Not Hal-ee-uh-KAL-uh
  5. 5 Kamehameha, Not Kuh-May-May-Ha
  6. 6 Waikīkī Has Three K's For A Reason
  7. 7 Likelike Is Not Like-Like
  8. 8 Pūpūkea Deserves Its Kahakō
  9. 9 Kailua Is Not Kailua-Kona
  10. 10 Kāneʻohe, In Three Acts
  11. 11 Lānaʻi The Island vs. Lanai The Porch
  12. 12 Kauaʻi Has A Glottal Stop
  13. 13 Hualālai Is Three Long Vowels
  14. 14 Mauna Kea Is Not Mana-Kia
  15. 15 Hanauma, Not Hawaii's Harbor
  16. 16 ʻEwa Starts With A Stop
  17. 17 Your GPS Is Not Your Kumu
  18. 18 When Corrected, Do Not Argue
  19. 19 Practice Out Loud, Alone, In The Car